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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928795">Ad Astra, To The Stars Who Listen</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmarielOfSaintsEthereal4741/pseuds/AlmarielOfSaintsEthereal4741'>AlmarielOfSaintsEthereal4741</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Platonic brotherly relationship, implied hurting of oneself (i really dont want to say it sorry)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:01:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmarielOfSaintsEthereal4741/pseuds/AlmarielOfSaintsEthereal4741</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When they were at war Steven had no time to carefully examine the stars, he was amazed, but now not anymore</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lars Barriga &amp; Steven Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ad Astra, To The Stars Who Listen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s quiet aboard the Sun Incinerator, all except for the whir of the ship.</p><p>As Steven sits on the window seat in Lars’s dimly lit quarters, leaning against it, he gazes out the window blankly towards the vast, cosmic abyss of space. He observes the stars, with how illuminous they are. He was awestruck by them. They were so profound to him, so much like a flickering flame, a heartbeat, that it gave him a sense of hope when he was younger.</p><p>They were so bright and wonderful. His younger self always wished to reach out towards them, to be embraced by their light, to be welcomed.</p><p>They were like an agglomeration of souls. Light gods, who were born from the cosmic dust of nebulas, that decided to come together to create life itself. To sometimes become suns and give out warmth to those inhabiting planets in faraway star systems.</p><p>The stars were like beacons. A relief for those who found themselves lost. Luminous smiles who guided those along on their journeys. To give them strength.</p><p>And as Steven watches a rock float pass by, he could think of many words on how to describe the universe itself it would be….</p><p>
  <em>Breathtaking </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Extraordinary </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Transcendent </em>
</p><p>And how transcendent it was, now that he had time to observe. He felt a sense of joy in it when he was younger. When he went to the moon the first time, and could see through the glass dome of the moon base. He remembers as he gazed up at the starry abyss that he had felt a fluttering in his stomach. He could describe it as butterflies as people say they often felt when they experienced certain things.</p><p>His inner self would be bouncing in inner joy, could see it in his minds’ eye, but now he didn’t feel such joy. Deep down he knew he should feel fortunate, delighted, but even his inner self felt dispirited and listless. He could see his inner child just standing there in the gray, under a dulled spotlight, gazing down at the floor, shoulders sagging.</p><p>His inner self was tired and so was he.</p><p>He couldn’t ignore the feeling of indifference forever. At first, he thought it would fade but it didn’t. It bothered him so. Steven despised it so much. The beauty of the universe, tarnished. Was he not meant to feel such contentedness anymore? Was he always meant to be at war?</p><p>Did he not deserve it?</p><p>He felt like he could scream, but he had no energy. Not these days. Seeing the beauty in everything, the life. It all dissipated, fluttered away into a million flecks that he could not gather without falling apart and giving up.</p><p>The light of the stars did nothing to bring him comfort. He could only gaze up at them and feel nothing but emptiness. Steven felt as if even the stars could not heed the inner turmoil he felt.</p><p><em>I’m so sorry Lars. </em>He thinks to himself closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly then opening them up again to observe space once more.</p><p>
  <em>I’m so sorry for feeling this way. For feeling like a slug, for feeling like crap. For not being able to feel like I could do anything today. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.</em>
</p><p>“Hey, buddy”. Came a soft voice. Steven didn’t notice that Lars had come in and closed the door as he was lost in his thoughts. He didn’t bother to steal a glance. Didn’t bother to budge. He just kept staring out of the window.</p><p>Steven could hear him shuffle around then a pause. Then he could hear Lars come forward, and appear in the corner of his vision settling down on the window seat. Leaning the back of his head on the window. His unnatural skin glowing.</p><p>There’s a moment of silence between them. Out of the corner of his vision he sees Lars look over at him.</p><p>“What’s up?” Lars asks softly with such tender, gentle, caring concern in his voice that it feels like there is something in Steven that cracks. Like it’s been wanting to be pried open for such a long time.</p><p>Apart of him dislikes it, tries to shy away and swat at it, but the other part of him has yearned for it. Why was it so hard to open up to others, to lay out his soul and feel so raw?</p><p>So, he swallows and remains silent for a few seconds until he answers trying to not sound so broken, so small, but it’s not successful. What comes out is raspy, as if he hasn’t spoken in hours, and sounding close to tears.</p><p>“I just <em>don’t</em> <em>understand</em>.” The Hybrid feels the heat rise in his cheeks and in his eyes. He tries to keep it together, to hold back the crumbling tide at bay.</p><p><em>Keep it together Steven. </em>He tells himself as he keeps his eyes on one particular pulsating, faraway star.</p><p>It doesn’t work.</p><p>He feels tears slide down his face against his will uncontrollably, and blinks lazily. His eyes are burning.</p><p>“I’m just so <em>confused and lost</em>.” He pauses. “I just don’t know what to do.” It’s like everywhere I turn and look I just can’t seem to enjoy the little things anymore. Every time I try to come to an understanding, I always lose it.</p><p>“What understanding?” Lars questions. His soft tone urging him to continue.</p><p>If comes out small but Steven answers “Of how I feel. How I’m feeling.”</p><p>Lar’s response to the cryptic answer is “Then what are you feeling? Cause earlier today you seemed joyful, but I knew better than to think that. Then an hour ago when you asked if you could hang out in my quarters, and you hadn’t come back out, I knew something was up”. Lars shuffles to fully face him and places a hand on Stevens bent left knee and squeezes it. “Tell me what’s in your head?”</p><p>Steven swallows again “When I was younger, and the first time I went to space with Peridot, I felt so awed with what lay before me. I was so amazed, but now I can’t seem to feel that anymore. I’ve always looked towards the stars for hope, but that hope isn’t there anymore”.</p><p>Lars doesn’t say anything. Steven continues and he sniffs. “It’s like I’ve been seized by an abyssal hand, and it has never lightened it’s grip on me. Like I’ve been swallowed by its shadows, and every time I try to fight my way out, to come to an understanding I’m pulled back in.” He sniffs again.</p><p>“When I try to make sense of my own thoughts, it feels like the voices are mocking me. Like they’re taking advantage of every positive thought, and twisting it into something more sinister”. “The exercises my therapist gives me feels like the shadows are going to assault them at any moment, and I know they will. I just feel so <em>powerless</em>.”.</p><p>It scares Lars to know where this is going, but he listens, and he squeezes Stevens knee lightly for him to continue.</p><p>The boy sniffs again. He sounds small and tired. “At this point I just feel so fake. Like I just can’t seem to smile or laugh anymore. It’s like I slowly realized that everything I enjoyed, everything I cherished is slowly being taken away from me”.</p><p>Steven lets out a heavy sigh and it says so much. “I’m so scared Lars”. His voice cracks. “I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m losing hope and I’m heading straight to the edge of the abyss against my will and I hate it!”</p><p>Lars remains silent, but Steven knows there’s a warm, sympathetic but concerned look in his eyes without even looking at him, and it bothers Steven for some reason.</p><p>“It just….it makes me feel so wretched. I just feel so stupid!”</p><p>“You’re not stupid, Steven”. Lars replied.</p><p>“Yes, I am!” Steven yells brokenly and Lars pulls the boy into a hug.</p><p>Steven starts sobbing harder and Lars can feel a wet spot forming on his shirt. The pink man slightly tightens his hold on the hybrid, and rubs a small spot on his back.</p><p>Stevens voice is muffled in his shoulder but it’s thick with emotion as he says “but I am, I know I am. I feel like I deserve to feel this way. Because I’m” …Steven sniffs…” a shatterer, a murderer!”</p><p>“You don’t deserve to feel that way at all Steven. Whatever you went through, whatever you did, doesn’t define you bud”. Lars softly said while caressing the boys back.</p><p>“Yes, yes, I do, and I feel like such a burden, and for what I put everyone through, for what I put you through!”</p><p>Lars feels like himself is on the verge of tears, but he keeps strong, although his voice cracks when he says “Don’t say that, bud. You’re not a burden. Would someone who has saved the universe, The Earth, and has done multiple other amazing things be a burden?”</p><p>He feels Steven shake his head as he sniffs. “I didn’t think so”. Lars said as he caresses the boys curls.</p><p>“And you know you didn’t know what your tears would do, and I’m grateful that I’m here and alive. I really am Steven. We both didn’t ask to be kidnapped, and that’s not you’re fault at all. Plus, everything that has happened really isn’t your fault. I know you may feel like it is, but you got to give yourself a break”.</p><p>“I know that you feel lost and scared. I’ve felt that, when you feel like you have lost all hope and feel down, like you can’t turn to anybody, like the universe has abandoned you, but you’ll get through it. I know you will”.</p><p>“It’s just hard”. Steven replied wetly. “and I just don’t want to bother people with my problems”.</p><p>“I know. I know it is, and stuff like this takes time, it’s not linear, even though it sucks. That’s why you have a therapist to help you through it”.</p><p>“and kiddo I just want you to know that I’m here for you as well. That there is another ear open to listen. That you can come to me whenever you want to. Never think that you will annoy me. I love you man”.</p><p>This makes Steven sob harder and he voices a broken, wet “thank you”.</p><p>“No problem” Lars replies wetly. “You’re appreciated”. Lars then says what’s been unspoken and in Stevens mind “and don’t ever feel sorry for feeling down. Don’t ever be sorry for how you feel”.</p><p>Lars feels Steven nod and lets him cry, and as Lars lets his tears fall as well, there in the distance a star flickers brightly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologize for the dialogue and the ending. Really sorry if it sucks.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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